Hello, it's Amanda (and Aurora!). It's been a while since we posted. We (well...me) have been shopping for and stocking the vintage shops and blogging occasionally on our other blog, but not doing a lot of talking here.
The truth is that Aurora is just a big bundle of movement and almost every picture I get of her is blurry! Fortunately, I was able to capture this scene one quiet, sweet morning last week:
On Monday and Wednesday mornings, Quentin goes into work later. Sweet husband that he is, he lets me sleep in on those days and has morning time with Aurora. They eat breakfast and play together and then come and wake me up. "Coffee, mama?" Those are some of my favorite words...Aurora is a morning person, just like daddy, while I am a night owl.
Aurora is starting to mimic a lot of actions and words (oh, goodness, I need to be more careful with my language). She's such a little smarty-pants! The other day I said, "Hi, babe!" and gave her a kiss, and she said, "Hi, babe!" back. It's absolutely adorable. She is so much fun these days.
And here she is, already shaving. Sigh. They grow up so fast... ;)
We're about to embark on our Thanksgiving travels...wish us luck! So excited to see Jayme, Lyla and family! We have MUCH to be thankful for.
My parents came to visit Virginia this weekend. We had a fantastic time eating, going to the Farmer's Market, eating, antiquing, and of course, playing with Aurora (and....eating)! Last time I went to this antiquing/thrift spot, I found the cutest little lamb figurine for Aurora's room:
I decided to make it an antiquing tradition, to find something for Aurora's room. She has quite the mix of vintage, thrifted, and modern/new stuff in her nursery. I found the perfect little companion to her lamb at the very same antique shop:
isn't he cute? he even has a little furry tuft of hair on top of his head!
Every family visit has become an opportunity for my parents to clean out their basement (which is still full of a lot my junk), and this time, they brought some things from my own childhood that I could now give to Aurora: a little kiddo wicker patio set and a rocking horse that my Uncle Jeff made for me.
It also reminded me of other childhood relics I have been sharing with Aurora. My mom was good at saving just the right amount of clothing in the bottom of her cedar chest for both me and Jayme. When I start packing up some of Aurora's stuff now, I have difficulty getting rid of anything! Every little outfit holds a memory. Plus, if my next baby is a girl, I can't let go of all of these sweet pink outfits yet.
a little trinket box...I'm a February birthday too, just 4 days after Aurora's!
a little t-shirt collection...shh, don't tell Jayme about the #1 Daughter top!
one of my baby bracelets
I love seeing Aurora with all of these things. It also got me to thinking about the intangible things that I want (and don't want) to pass down to her. I hope she has my thick hair, sense of humor, and intelligence. I hope she doesn't have: My thighs. My tendency to doubt myself and my abilities. My lack of common sense/clumsiness.
Of course, a few of those "bad" qualities are inevitable, but at least now I have the skills to provide her with some coping strategies! (Except for the thighs...when the pear-shape is passed down, there's pretty much no escaping it.)
While Jayme is experiencing all of the physical and emotional difficulties of a new baby (breastfeeding, sleepless nights, endless crying), I'm starting to feel the...existential (spiritual) and financial ones.
I've always thought way too far ahead, been too emotional and an overanalyzer. These tools can be helpful at times, but as a mom, they can be paralyzing. I want Aurora's life to be easier than mine was growing up...not that I didn't have wonderful parents, but we struggled. A lot.
I know money isn't everything, but it seems so hard to make life better for Aurora. Just yesterday, I was on the phone with three (yes, 3) loan companies, trying to figure out my student debt (my parents couldn't afford to pay for college, so I made my way with scholarships, loans, and a part time job; however, I made the mistake of going to grad school all on my own). I'm working part time at a job that shall not be named because I hate it. I love our Etsy shops and blogs, but the way the market is, they're not enough to make a living wage. And even with this part-time job, I'm not making enough to put money away in a college fund, or even pay those college loans (I'm in deferment). I'm able to work from home, which is a huge blessing since the cost of childcare in the DC area is prohibitive (even if I worked full time).
I am doing the best I can, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. I want to give Aurora everything. I know it's enough to give her all of my love and a stable home where she feels safe and protected, but in the world we live in, it just doesn't feel like enough.
Here's the other hard part about being a mom: I want to be happy in my life outside of motherhood.
Nothing brings me more joy than Aurora. So desperately wanting to work a job I love seems a little selfish at times. I'm able to be at home with her--why am I always complaining and stressed out? It's because I'm not feeling fulfilled creatively. I'm not being inspired. I'm being drained, drop by drop, by a company who could care less about me and my family. I'm marginally using my degree, but not in the way I intended. I want to be writing creatively, not grading utterly uncreative essays. I want to be out meeting people and forming relationships, not isolated at the computer for hours a day. I want to be my own boss. I want to do what I love. But it's hard to take that risk.
When I had two months away from that awful job to devote myself to Miskabelle and Miskabelly, I was much happier. Even the most mundane tasks were enjoyable to me. We had our best month of sales ever. But now, that business has to take a back seat. And I miss it.
I am blessed to have a job, I know. I am blessed that my husband has a good job. We have a house. We have working heat and running water and two cars and health insurance. But we're still just scraping by. All of my idealistic college dreams, of how life would be better for me and my children...they're just not a reality. Things are different, yes. But there are no bootstraps anywhere that I can see. And I know it's worse for so many, and that's an additional burden on my heart and mind.
It's time like these that I'm reminded why I believe in God, in a different realm, in a better place...this can't be it. There has to be more. I need something to cling to because the world is just not doing it. Which reminds me of a powerful C.S. Lewis quote: “If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” (The idea was made into a song by Brooke Fraser, who I love. I posted it at the end, if you want to have a listen. You should check her music out regardless of your beliefs because she is amazing.)
Maybe that's what I'm feeling. That, and a lot of stress. I'm so thankful I have a loving and supportive husband and family in this world. But I'm always longing for more--and not just for me, but for everyone in my life: more love, more joy, more satisfaction, more time, more energy, more faith. If I am successful at anything as a mom, I hope that Aurora will feel the same way. I hope she'll have faith and hope and love.
That's my mental and heart space right now. Where are you at, moms of this world? Striving? Struggling? Satisfied?
